Funny Lawyer Jokes

What’s the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
One’s a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
Accountants know they’re boring.

What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed?
A jury.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Why won’t a shark eat a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Have you heard about the lawyer’s word processing software?
No matter what font is selected, everything comes out in fine print.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true.

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What’s the difference between a dead deer in the middle of the road and a dead Lawyer?
There are skid marks in front of the deer.

What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A Doberman